Today I would like to share an experience I had a few weeks back. I decided I would let my guard down, show that I was having difficulties and ask for help.
Unfortunately, even though I was asking help from family, it didn’t work in my favor. They would have had to put themselves out for my little family and for me. They would have had to swallow their pride and say “It’s OK. This is what families do.”
Instead I was made to feel like I had disappointed them by asking for help; that I was not worthy. I was made to feel like I was a business transaction.
For the last few weeks I have found myself being consumed by something I have never ever felt before…Hate. People that know me know that I would do anything for anyone. My heart is big and I will always support and love. This new emotion for me is a hard pill to swallow.
I didn’t like how these people made me feel. I didn’t like that I had made myself vulnerable only to be kicked in the guts – hard. So today I went searching for answers on how to get over this overwhelming feeling of hate. Buddhism tells me that karma will be my friend, but I am unsure when this will come, if ever. Christianity tells me to love my enemy. Believe me, I would if I could.
After much soul searching, this is what I have come up with. At the end of the day, I have a beautiful family of 4. My kids are my life. I have a husband who loves me and stands with me through thick and thin. I also have my mum and brother. I have a best friend who stands with me in poverty and in holidays. I have so much. So, I am going to concentrate on me.
I am not going to give the people who did this to me the power over me and my life. That would mean that they had won. Lastly, I write this today as part of my letting go. I already feel lighter!
To those of you filled with hate – let it go. Live your own life and concentrate on the beauty you have.
Til next time,