HOW TO BEGIN { The Kindness of Surrender }

Post by Sunni Chapman for the Kind Kindred series.

HOW TO BEGIN • { The Kindness of Surrender } •

It's funny how fast life changes.

5 years ago, you might have found me crumpled on the bathroom floor. You might have found me sobbing there, puffy-faced, unable to get up and look at myself, unable to stop the cycle, unable to breathe, unable to see any way out— unable to let go.

And yet... a tiny seed had been planted in me.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, and I don't know how it happened — or when — but it was there.

Maybe it came in my sleep, or maybe it came because of something I saw or heard. Maybe it silently lodged itself in my soul while I was doing the dishes, I don't know… but it was there.

It had sown itself into the soil of my being —
the husk was cracking, love was emerging, but I was still crumpled on the bathroom floor.

This was the seed of my healing, my wholeness… my new beginning. And even though I couldn't see or feel it at the time, it was growing, silently within me, quaking the earth to bring the Spring.

It didn't care if I believed in it or not. It didn't care if I thought good thoughts, or put up a vision board or held a sacred releasing ceremony — it was already underway, it was Grace unfolding… and I didn't have to do anything for it.

It had taken root in me, and was already spreading the tendrils of it's vine out into a time when this was over. Into a time when the healing and wholeness was already complete. Into a time where I sit in my chair and write an article about all this without an ounce of fear or shame or regret about how that might look to the world. Out into a time when that darkness is so distant a memory that it almost seems unreal — and I was still lying on the bathroom floor.

My new beginning didn't need "my" help. It was time, that was all.

Nothing had been a mistake, no life had ever truly been wasted, this was part of my adventure. This was part of my story. This was ALL just fuel for a fire that would one day burn so bright that it turned every trace of shame and regret to dust.

Grace took over my life in the same way nature takes back an abandoned barn in a field of gold and green. It busted through barriers and moved my stubborn hinges into actions and events that shaped the very structure of me. And like an old barn in a field, I am delighted to see how much people appreciate the broken down places, and antiquated charm of my dilapidated form. How wildflowers sprout through the cracks in my construction, and how much beauty they seem to find in the imperfection of me. They see this because they see themselves in this, they see the beauty in their own brokenness, and it makes them come alive with remembrance.

The girl on the bathroom floor, with her puffy face and puddle of tears, could not have seen all this from her place of shame and darkness. But I can see her now, and I can see her clearly, and oh…. how she shines.

So if you are wondering how to start your new beginning, or how to continue it, please know —
that it has already begun.

It is already well underway, so
drop the handle bars.

Throw back your head and close your eyes.
Smile at the wide-open welcome of the sky,

and let go.

Hi, my name is Sunni, and I am person. Just like you. I am a person who once hurt , a lot. I hurt until the pain got just bad enough for me to wake up. And when I woke up — whoa nelly — love swept in and blew the lid off my life. I was touched by a sweetness and strength that I cannot describe to you with words, but oh how I love trying anyway. This sweetness didn't take me away from life, it didn't blast me off into some astral dimension, it didn't float me out into the cosmos - away from the pain of the world, it rooted me in my humanity, it gifted me a bottomless compassion, and it made my heart a wide open space. I write to share this space with you. I make art to share this space with you — Everything I do, I do to share this space with you. Because this space is you, and this space is me, and in that sharing, we remember the truth of who we are. We are the pieces, you and me — the pieces of the whole. When we come together — magic happens. Connect :: Twitter :: Facebook :: Pinterest ::