The World Waits by Rachel Awes
Nice Sucks. Kind Rocks.
I grew up in Minnesota. And in Minnesota, there is this phenomenon called Minnesota Nice. Minnesota Nice on the surface, is the ability to be nice and polite to everyone regardless of situation.
But what Minnesota nice is, really, is a strange ritual that keeps you from getting comfortable with each other.
So, for example, in Minnesota, you have to turn down something three times before you accept it, even if you want it.
Do you want coffee?
Oh no, I’m fine.
Really? It’s no trouble.
Oh no, it’s okay.
Really? I’m having a cup.
Oh well, okay then.
Growing up, I thought everyone was this way. I thought this way into adulthood. And one day, my life partner, Brian said, “Bridget, if you ask me if I want something, and I say ‘No’ , I mean ‘No’. Please stop asking.”
The other thing Minnesotans do is this habit that Brian calls “I’m Stupid Too.”
If somebody makes a mistake, you say, “Oh I did that last week.” Or “Oh, it happens to me all the time.”
You say this, because as Minnesotans we feel naturally horrible if we do anything wrong. We must cover up the gaffe of the other person by showing that we too make mistakes.
Okay, strange little quirks. Not the end of the world.
So why do I have a problem with niceness? Because in Minnesota, everybody is nice and not everybody is kind.
Everybody will be nice to your face. And then, later, through the grapevine, you’ll hear what they really think. And nice people are some of the most judgiest people you’ll meet.
Don’t get me wrong. There are lovely people in Minnesota. But not everybody is lovely.
I am lucky to have family who are kind, who taught me how to be kind.
Kindness makes a space. Kindness makes the assumption that if someone says no to coffee, they mean no, and that there is no underlying story or motive that you need to keep track of. Kindness makes a space for a person to say Yes if they want coffee on the first ask.
Kindness assumes that people make mistakes, and makes a space for that, and doesn’t rush in with a lie to help them save face.
When you are kind, there is no way for the other person to lose face. You’re honoring who they are.
Kindness is honest.
Recently, someone asked me to review a product of theirs. It was a pretty good product, but it wasn’t resonant with this person’s vast gifts. I was faced with the choice of being nice or being kind. The nice answer would have been to write a few little sentences about how much I liked it.
The kind answer was to gently tell her why I couldn’t endorse it.
I went with the kind answer. I went with the kind answer because a year from now, I don’t want to see this person wasting their time on little projects instead of bringing their awesome. If I saw that, and I had been nice, I would have contributed to the diminished effect she would have on this world.
I went with the kind answer because I can’t lie to someone to make my life temporarily less stressful. It doesn’t make for less stress in the long run.
Kindness has a long-term positive effect. Niceness can have any number of effects, and these effects are directly proportional to how much the niceness matches the inner feelings of the person who is acting nice.
Are you kind? When you have a desire to be nice, are you concerned that you won’t fit in? What happens when you make a space for yourself, for the other person, for the situation? What happens when you choose kindness?
I grew up in Minnesota. And in Minnesota, there is this phenomenon called Minnesota Nice. Minnesota Nice on the surface, is the ability to be nice and polite to everyone regardless of situation.
But what Minnesota nice is, really, is a strange ritual that keeps you from getting comfortable with each other.
So, for example, in Minnesota, you have to turn down something three times before you accept it, even if you want it.
Do you want coffee?
Oh no, I’m fine.
Really? It’s no trouble.
Oh no, it’s okay.
Really? I’m having a cup.
Oh well, okay then.
Growing up, I thought everyone was this way. I thought this way into adulthood. And one day, my life partner, Brian said, “Bridget, if you ask me if I want something, and I say ‘No’ , I mean ‘No’. Please stop asking.”
The other thing Minnesotans do is this habit that Brian calls “I’m Stupid Too.”
If somebody makes a mistake, you say, “Oh I did that last week.” Or “Oh, it happens to me all the time.”
You say this, because as Minnesotans we feel naturally horrible if we do anything wrong. We must cover up the gaffe of the other person by showing that we too make mistakes.
Okay, strange little quirks. Not the end of the world.
So why do I have a problem with niceness? Because in Minnesota, everybody is nice and not everybody is kind.
Everybody will be nice to your face. And then, later, through the grapevine, you’ll hear what they really think. And nice people are some of the most judgiest people you’ll meet.
Don’t get me wrong. There are lovely people in Minnesota. But not everybody is lovely.
I am lucky to have family who are kind, who taught me how to be kind.
Kindness makes a space. Kindness makes the assumption that if someone says no to coffee, they mean no, and that there is no underlying story or motive that you need to keep track of. Kindness makes a space for a person to say Yes if they want coffee on the first ask.
Kindness assumes that people make mistakes, and makes a space for that, and doesn’t rush in with a lie to help them save face.
When you are kind, there is no way for the other person to lose face. You’re honoring who they are.
Kindness is honest.
Recently, someone asked me to review a product of theirs. It was a pretty good product, but it wasn’t resonant with this person’s vast gifts. I was faced with the choice of being nice or being kind. The nice answer would have been to write a few little sentences about how much I liked it.
The kind answer was to gently tell her why I couldn’t endorse it.
I went with the kind answer. I went with the kind answer because a year from now, I don’t want to see this person wasting their time on little projects instead of bringing their awesome. If I saw that, and I had been nice, I would have contributed to the diminished effect she would have on this world.
I went with the kind answer because I can’t lie to someone to make my life temporarily less stressful. It doesn’t make for less stress in the long run.
Kindness has a long-term positive effect. Niceness can have any number of effects, and these effects are directly proportional to how much the niceness matches the inner feelings of the person who is acting nice.
Are you kind? When you have a desire to be nice, are you concerned that you won’t fit in? What happens when you make a space for yourself, for the other person, for the situation? What happens when you choose kindness?
 | Bridget Pilloud is an intuitive life-shifter. She creates situations of spiritual alignment for her clients, to enable them to enact positive change on the world. You can find her at bridgetpilloud.com & on twitter @intuitivebridge. |
| Learn the craft of knowing how to open your heart & to turn on your creativity. There's a light inside of you : Join us here : Be Gentle, Be Love : 30 Days of Cultivating Your Virtues with Creativity |
18 comments:
Brava! This is wonderful. Thank you for this start to my work. I wholeheartedly agree.
Ooh boy, this gives me much to ponder. My town must be in close enough proximity to the Minnesota Nice (I'm in South Dakota)--those examples made me squirm. Wow. I'll be examining my motives from here on out. Thank you!
Yes. YES. So many people do not understand the fallacy of MN Nice. I would much rather people be kind than nice. But kind is uncomfortable. Kind takes work. Kind can be hard. And it's hard to be a direct person when you live in MN--most Minnesotans view honesty as aggressiveness.
As an interesting aside, you might enjoy this breakdown of MN social interactions. Made me laugh and laugh, because it is so true: http://www.mspmag.com/features/features/masteringminnesota/151765.asp
Minnesota Nice happens in NJ and PA too. I think it's more of a US thing than regional. You're right, we've confused nice with kind and air our opinions when people turn their backs. That being said, the general population still doesn't accept kind over nice. They want nice to pacify their sensitivities. Kindness is honest, and most people can't handle the truth. I've found that as a person who delivers information more directly, it takes people aback. Once they "get" it, they appreciate it, but generally speaking, people are uncomfortable with direct talk I've found.
Such a great post, although I'm now wondering if instead of living in England, I'm actually in Minnesota. We're just the same. I was once in a small lift with a large friend. When we got to the ground we each kept gesturing for the other to go first. In the end we both tried to leave the lift at the same time and got stuck together briefly in the doorway. Hilarious!
I was just discussing this (as an Alabamian thing) with a friend yesterday. The examples would be different, but yes, I think this is a Western social thing, with certain regions taking it to greater lengths ;-)
What we were saying about Alabama (vs NJ, where I live now) is that there's this shallow forced politeness ("nice") in Alabama that you don't always have in Jersey, which is actually fairly refreshing.
But kindness is always the best thing, and can be found everywhere (but is, sadly, NOT everywhere).
hello bridget from minnesota!!
yesyesyes to kindness,
to being real,
to loving
with
substance.
(& eeeee!
thank you
for linking
to me!)
xox
Your description of Minnesota reminds me of my hometown in North Florida (almost Georgia.) Thanks for this post :)
I love this post. Just love it. Thank you :-)
I love this post. A lot of insight there, and very helpful to me personally. thank you :)
I think it's a Midwestern thing, I've noticed it here in Illinois as well. Maybe not all the time, but often enough :-)
The asking multiples times is something that is also Indian. I've gone around with my husband quite a lot on that. He says that by asking me over and over, he is showing that he cares about me. To me it's just irritating! He should know by now that when I say "No thanks." I mean it. ;) It can take a long time for these deep cultural differences to resolve.
I agree that kindness that is direct an honest can be taken as hostile. I've had issues with friends when I was trying to be kind by being direct and ended up alienating them in the process. I think that it's a toss up sometimes which way to go.
this is one kick ass post, way to go! I so agree.. my hubby is fr MN and we go there often.. and I so so know what you mean. Kindness matters. xo hugs bonitarose
I am so NICE! I'm from Nashville, TN and this is exactly how I am. Always afraid to be an imposition, hurt someone's feelings, etc. What an eye opener.
As a Minnesotan, I'm grateful to the writer for helping me understand that "Minnesota Nice" is not a myth; rather, niceness is different from kindness. I probably suffer from too much niceness, but I strive for kindness.
Kindness is the best, rewarding, and I think your post is spot on. Nice is good, but only if it's authentic niceness and not the backstabbing kind of nice we all know well unfortunately. niceness and not the backstabbing kind of nice we all know well unfortunately.
I love this!! And I'm not just saying that to be nice. *wink* I feel what you are saying-I grew up in Texas and we had similar expectations. I live in PA now and when I first moved here I thought people were rude--but really they are just not "nice" in the way I was used to. They are, however, very kind. Once I started to recognize that on a deeper level I was able to connect with others and develop loving + meaningful friendships in my new home.
When I started reading this, I thought Yes! Yes! Yes! that is me!! LOL Great article
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